| My underlying emotions.... |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|11:23 pm] |
I fall asleep thinking of you.
You never know how much I care.
I dream the night through.
My feelings for you, if only I dared share.
The help I give you Cannot compare to the joy you bring me.
If only your love I could pursue,
A light for us I want to see.
A step to far, a step to close.
I want to tell you all that I can.
Soon I shall slip and you shall know I wish to give more then a helping hand.
Slowly wandering across the land.
Seeing others, but never thinking of any but you.
One of these days fate will deal the hand That will bring us together.
For one who rarely cries, I shed a tear for you today.
I saw no truths, I saw no lies.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Love is the funniest thing.
As joyous as a warm summers day,
Yet as tricky as a rainy night of spring.
Here is the chance for us to go hand in hand.
Friends I have everywhere.
When it arises I have to see The difference
between those I call friends and those that are.
God has graced us with love,
And the devil taunts us with fear.
Will peace come by the wings of a dove?
Or can our future not be that clear?
Pain that should only be imagined
Comes so naturally to me
To feel the way I do.
I was scared for a moment
Your love flashed before my eyes
I should have known better.
My love will last all our lives
It was not the pain I wanted
All I cared about was you
I knew that knowledge was haunting
If only my touch could sooth.
I try to move on
One step at a time
But I keep holding on
Trying to break the line. |
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| So there are I |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|07:17 pm] |
| [ | My 'tude! |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Ok......weird dreams. Weird feelings in the air. Weirdness all around. So what do I do? I try to figure out what the frack is going on. Now I try to talk to the guy who is my guy. And well he isn't on IM and doesn't answer his messages before I decide to go to bed. Typical for a guy... Hence my often heard curse of "MEN!" But I think I love him. We shall see what happens and how often I am ignored...
Next the one who had stolen my heart years ago is going through some major depression, and some funky funky shit. All due to a misunderstanding and him not being able to communicate well. Even talking to a friend about what was going on didn't help because she felt like she was being "pumped for information" after the fact. So yeah you screwed up and this happens, you haven't contacted anyone else this is wise. So yeah, the things said were misheard, misspoken, or mis-communicated in some way. I know that I heard some things, and not all of it. I know that some things were said, but not others. So again communication got screwed up. Communication is key to most relationships. But what do you do when you screw up trying to communicate? You listen to your good friend who tells you to give it a year and see how shit goes.
Ok, so got the promise to wait a year. Along with a whole bunch of other things that should never have been spoken or promised, but hey, ok, I'm game for it, and no it was nothing sexual you pervs! So you wanna take a year and be celibate, and you want to get your life in order, and you want to get a place of your own, and you want to get yourself to where you are a good prospect for your love. I can understand that. I applaud that. I will be glad to help you. I will not however hurt you, so stop hurting yourself!
Now my other friend, she takes what is said in a tone of anger, and accusations, from hurt and pain and decides she doesn't want to deal with the shit. YAY! Well, I'm glad she knows what she does and doesn't want. I am happy that she knows what is needed for her. I even applaud that she has the guts to let him know that she is sooo pissed off with him that she hates him at this point and time. This is a natural feeling. Lies were told, whether or not they were meant or not, they were told on both sides to tell the truth. Some were shown to be literal truths, but lies in certain ways. Ok, I can live with that. Both parties were wrong on more than one occasion, but that is life and love. The capacity to get hurt and that wonderful ability to forgive go hand in hand. Now am I saying to forgive and forget immediately? HELL NO! Emotions need time to be dealt with, anger especially. Hurts need to be tended, and emotional wounds need time to be bandaged. So take the time. Remove the folderol from your life and live for yourself. But remember, forgiveness is something we all need at times. Including the ability to forgive ourselves.
Ok, so where does leave us? Well I am not sure. I don't pretend to have all the answers, just a lot of heart and a lot of love, and enough forgiveness in me that I do not easily get rid of shit in my life. Hell I even go so far as to forgive those that I have no intention whatsoever of seeing again, or of getting in touch with. Yes Jennifer, also known as Raven, or Birdie, or whatever your "vampiric" self is going by these days, this includes you. I even forgive people like Callie and her Beau or ex-Beau Bane for saying that I am a pedophile and that I attempted to rape him. Such lovely things for such lovely people to say, but I forgive you. Go in peace and live your life. May you find happiness and all the things you are looking for in your life.
I even forgive the one guy that I loved and then hated. Who committed physical, mental, and emotional brutality upon me. The one who said he loved me, and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, and then turned around and beat the shit out of me many many times. May he find peace and happiness where ever he is. And the guy knows who he is.
I have yet to forgive myself for some things. But those are far in my past long before I met anyone who is on my friends list currently. So those don't need to be addressed. However there are some things I do need to forgive people for.
I forgive the following people: The one who is currently mine, for not being available when I needed someone to take the weight of my troubles off my shoulders by being there for me to just talk to him. The one who I gave my heart to those many years ago, and who ended up hurting me more than my ex whom he had hated since day one. My Lady friend who is scared and hurt and pissed and angry and feeling trapped by words and emotions that she hasn't had to deal with before in this way. My friends who read this for having to put up with my ramblings and my emotions and not understanding that even I get hurt at times by the shit in their lives that tear them to pieces. My friends who will not understand what the hell I am talking about and who think that all of this should be just washed away. And I forgive my cats...she who pukes and he who is an attention slut and yells when he doesn't get attention every 20 secs. My friends who put themselves in jeopardy of being killed or hurt in foreign lands where I can’t do a thing to help them except be here and worry.
And I forgive myself for not being strong enough to carry this weight without being a bit bitter by the pain I feel and deal with everyday from the ones I love.
So there are I.... |
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| Ever have a feelin? |
[Jan. 1st, 2008|08:23 pm] |
Have you ever had the feeling that things were on pause because someone or someone's aren't or weren't listening? Or even refused to listen?
Ever had a feeling that because people refuse to move on and accept that things need to change that they are going to be stuck that way? That because they have made mistakes they have to take it out on the rest of the world? That they can't give what little comfort and joy other people may need from them because they decided that they have to be alone in life?
Well perhaps it is best. Perhaps it is needed. Perhaps it is something I need to learn. My capacity for love for one person is there. Will he accept it? No. He wants someone else, and therefor pushes everyone else away. That is ok, I am used to that. I have waited for a long time, I can still wait. The dreams and the flashes of insight have told me to wait. To hold back, to let him do what he thinks he needs to do. So while I wait on him to gain his perspective, I get to have the knives of pain and loss driven into me every time he thinks of her. And that is ok. An empath expects pain in life. Pain from those he loves, pain from those he hates, and pain from those he doesn't even know.
Ever had a feeling that someone was lying to your face about understanding a situation, and wanting to help? The she may have an insight into what is going on and what someone else has been telling everyone? That she knows that you are the bane of all life? That you are evil incarnate? That you are a rapist and a pedophile, and thief? That she is attempting to make your life a living hell just because someone else said or did something? Well, since this person is in my past, I am hoping she has gotten the help she needs and is going through therapy for her nightmares of Life.
Ever had a feeling that the only reason that the person you were with broke up with you was because everyone else was talking shit to him or her behind your back? That you were the one cheating, you were the one that was lying, and that you were the one spreading rumors of things? Even though it was neither of you? That it was outside sources that were lying, spreading rumors, say things to stir up crap in both your lives? That when confronted by it you felt you were being attacked and that you were in the wrong? That when someone else was brought in things were said, and that those things were not necessarily taken in context, and someo f what was siad on both sides were mis-heard, or mis-represented? Or that you said something the wrong way because your heart was bleeding out?
Ever have a feeling of being betrayed by being lied to over and over again? Or being lied to about little shit? Ever had the feeling that you were bleeding out inside and that you were trying to repair what damages there were with people in your life, even though the one, or ones, you were trying to repair the major damage with are as stubborn as you, or worse? When that person makes up his or her mind there is no turning back. And all you can do is watch the person walk out of your life, destroying you and your heart. Or even worse, walking out and saying that you are dead to him or her, and that you are never to be trusted again?
Ever have a feeling of such love for one person that no matter what was going on, you were aware of his pain? What he was going through? Ever have a feeling that you were being destroyed, and any prospects for anything more than mere friends were being destroyed, by his love of someone who can't deal with him? Or is so angry with him that their love is shattered, and at such a stage that the very thought of being with that person make them ice cold. That you wish you could take him in your arms and offer him everything you are, and have, but he doesn't want you, but wants someone else. That your love matters only so much that you are a friend, or worse only an acquaintance. That you would give your soul for just a touch, or for even an ounce of the love he has for someone else? That you would gladly give up happiness and wealth and power and friends for this person, if he had asked. Or that you would walk away from everything that mattered to make him happy.
Ever have a feeling that you are drowning in the feelings that others have with no way out of the quagmire of emotions? That you must keep going on because of the promises you made. Even though all others have broken promises to you over and over again? Or that the promises to you are no longer of matter because of the emotional hurricane others are in?
Have you ever had a feeling that you no longer mattered? That you were a tool? That all you are is a way and a means for someone to have what they want? Be it god, mortal, or animal? Ever had a feeling that you should just give up and be used by other people so that they can have what they want at your emotional and physical expense?
No? I didn't think so... |
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| To: Absent Friends! (list your friends here in your thoughts) |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|09:10 pm] |
This for the friends we had of old
Friends for a lifetime's love and cheer.
This for the friends who come no more
Who cannot be among us here.
We'll not forget, while we're alive,
These Hallowed dead, these deeds of flame.
Where they have gone, we will follow soon
Into the darkness and the flame.
Then we shall rise, our duty done,
Freed from all pain and sorrow here,
We'll leave behind ambition's sting
And keep alive our honor dear.
And they will stand beside us then
All whom we loved and hoped to see
And the shall sing, a glad AMEN
To cheer that final victory.
Bring me my bow of burning gold
Bring me my arrows of desire
Bring me my sprea -- O clouds unfold
Bring me my chariot of fire.
We shall not cease our faithful watch
Nor shall the sword sleep in our hand
Til we have gone beyond the stars
To join that fair immortal band.
-- Parry's Jerusalem
Fare well my Brothers, my Lovers, and my Friends. There shall be a returning for you all! |
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| As if that weren't enough..... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|01:59 pm] |
Soem of you have asked when I plan on posting more. Well the sad truth is that not enough happens in my life to post often. But then there is the "As if that weren't enough" posts I make. So on with teh post!
As if that weren't enough!
There I was minding my own business, and up pops this little IM window. Apparently some people are just not willing to let things drop. Now I can't prove that the person knows me, nor do I really care if the person does. How so ever, when someone sits there and tells me that they know me, and then proceeds to let me know that I am the bane of existance, evil incarnate, and that I have "ruined their life, their chance of happiness, and made it impossible to move on" I get understnadably a little confused.
So here is the kicker. There are only 4 people in the 18 years I have been in MD that I have broken with that are unfriendly that I know of to me, or that I know of. There maybe more, people tend to become enemies for little reason, or hurt feelings. Ah well life is a risk.
Now for those 4 people, 3 of whom at last knowledge live in the Lovely Commonwealth of Virginia. Ain't that special? Apparently according to them, I have a record in VA, and if I ever set foot into VA again I will be arrested. Now, a little judicious checking through sources impartial to any of us, ie the VA State Police, shows that not only do I not have a record in VA, I have no warrants for my arrest, no restraining orders on me, and no legal actions pending. Wow, so much for the lies from those 3. As to my "attempted rape" of a particular male. I will say this, not only did I not want that male, No clothes were ever removed near me, and any sexual contact between he and I were in public places where the world could see. So much for the rape charge. As to the females in question, both of whom swear that I "threatened their lives in emails" I have a few things to say. One of you is so techinically inferior that she wouldn't know how to copy emails. And one of you is a web designer, a thenical support person, and works with computers. So, as she said to me once, emails and IMs can be forged with a good text editor. Prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I sent said email to you. What is my IP address from the email, the headers list, and make sure you get them all correct. I won't tell you what to look for, you will have to think of it on your own.
As for the other one, he who is an ex-boyfriend, you moved out of state after telling everyone in the scene that, "you loved me, wanted to be with me, and didn't want to be with anyone else for the rest of your life." Aren't lies wonderful when revealed? Is that why you moved out of state? Got a little too warm for you here?
So, back to the original thing. Sorry people, but I could care less what you want or think of me. I have moved on, your continual attemps to get at me are pathetic. As to the rest, anyone who thinks I have a contract as master/slave with them, bring it forward. I wish to see the signature. Oh, and a PDF or other electronix copy willnot do. I insist on seeing the original. I will be able to tell the original from a copy.
Have fun! |
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| And just when I thought all the crap had been left behind. |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|02:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | DC | ] |
| [ | My 'tude! |
| | Highly Riled | ] |
Just when I thought that all the Psychodrama of the past and been left behind and that all the people with angst and rank stupidity had been removed from my life.
I was informed today that I have out there a Master & Slave Contract. With whom I was not informed. But this person, male or female again I was not informed, approached the Trustees of my church approximately in the year 2003-2004.
Now, I am not sure what the Master & Slave contract is, what it states, etc. I do not enter into ANY contracts of any kind without having them checked by Lawyers to make sure that they do NOT contain any traps, and that they do have a finite end date. Thank you Goliath for making me realize that I needed to do that. Further, I do not recall signing ANYTHING that would be considered a contract with a Master and Slave Relationship. Further if said contract was signed, it became null and void with me withdrawing from all contact with my OLD scene when three people decided to try and make my life hell. I refused to play the High School game, and demanded evidence. None was forth coming.
So for those of you who have a personal axe to Grind against me, here is your chance. Provide me with irrefutable proof of wrong doing. My email is c3in@hotmail.com. Send me PDF, Notebook, Wordpad, Word Documents, etc. I will verify them against what I have in the way of legal papers and if I am at fault I will make a PUBLIC and VERY PUBLIC apology and or recompense to you. However, if you do not have irrefutable proof, that you would be willing to place in front of a Judge, the US Attorney General and the High Court, may I suggest that you leave me and mine alone! It is at this time that I must say with regret and without rancor, anyone who is attempting to turn everything and everyone against me, bring proof. I have no problems with slapping lawsuits on people who would slander, libel and defame my character.
I have eye witnesses to the time in question that have been with me since 1995 as friends and brothers. I have eye witnesses to my character, my change in who I was, and my return to sanity. So again, here is your chance. The next time I here someone say that I am, have been, or did, or am doing, something you had better have documentation to back it up, because I will have the information subpoenaed from the source, and I will slap a lawsuit and other legal actions against whoever. This is not a threat. This is a promise. I have never broken a promise to anyone that did not break one to me. I have never broken a contract that had not been broken by someone else first. And I have legal proof.
So either drop it, and leave me alone, or bring it and lets get it dealt with. Anonymous comments have been disabled at this time. YOU have to step into the public eye and give your screen name or real name to comment to this. |
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| Tra dee dum dum da dum dum!!! |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|05:52 pm] |
Ok so here's the deal. As most people don't know there is the option to do a write in Ballot. Yeah, that's right, a write in ballot. Now since people are mostly wasting the votes on fictional characters, since they can't be President, here is my choice....ME!
Yes folks, I am running for President of the US of A. Let’s put a freak in the White House! Bout damned time we put one of us there! Hehehehehe
My campaign ideas? Oh you want to know what I want to ( do. )
So there you have it. |
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| Holy Crap! |
[May. 15th, 2007|10:53 pm] |
I haven't written here in forever...
Yes I am still alive. |
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